Low Self Esteem - I Think I Have it But What Can I Do

By Stefan Kelly

Low or poor self esteem is a term given to the state of being which can actually be pretty hard to describe, let alone understand. As in the case of 'depression' the phrase 'low self esteem' is used to describe the underlying cause of a range of observable behaviours. Behaviours such as shyness, anxiety, aggression, eating disorders, low expectations, pleasing others and neglect of one's own needs.

However, these perhaps only describe what others may observe. What is much more difficult to understand are your feelings and emotional experiences hidden behind those behaviours that others can see. It may be that you are aware of some sense of low self esteem and any or all of these feelings are familiar. It could also be that any, some or all of these emotions are so buried, that the behaviours above are so much a part of you, are a part of your everyday life that you have an underlying constant sense that things aren't right but don't know why.

A sense of low self esteem can connect with so many parts of daily life. Some parts may be relatively easy to talk about such as: 'I'm just shy', 'I like to make sure that everyone else is OK' or 'I find it easier not to argue'.

There may be other more deeply held personal and private self beliefs which, although you are aware of, you feel will be much more difficult to explore and make sense of: 'Everyone criticises me, even when I try really hard. Perhaps I deserve it'.

These beliefs possibly make up who you are right now but not necessarily who you want to be in the future: 'I've worked really hard and I've got everything I want but still I'm not happy'.

Relationships with your partner can also be affected in an unseen way by low self esteem: ' All I want is some attention and intimacy but I won't get it so I won't bother trying. I'll only get let down again'.

Possibly life in the workplace is difficult because it is difficult to assert yourself and get on with bosses, staff and colleagues: 'There's no point giving my opinion because no one will listen'.

Life within the family can sometimes difficult when you are experiencing constant demands for your time and energy, sometimes without any feeling for what you might want: 'I just can't say no and end up doing things I don't want to and then feel guilty wanting to do something for myself'.

If you are feeling now that this is not the way you want to live, then finding an empathic counsellor may be helpful to make some changes in your life. There are two crucial first steps in the therapy process:

· Acknowledging to yourself that things are not quite right in your life- only you can know this.

· Your desire to bring about changes to achieve a sense of your own well being and set about ways to achieve this- only you can do this.

The thought of going into counselling can, for some, be a pretty daunting prospect. You may even not be sure what it is you want to achieve let alone explain the confusing and possibly deeply personal stuff that is going on for you. But that's OK.

Having made that first step to counselling, the next part of the process is for the counsellor to work with you so that you both begin to get an understanding of you, your internal world and eventually, where you want to go.

As your level of trust in your counsellor grows you will have the opportunity to explore who you are and how you came to feel as you do now. Through this process you will be able to:

· grow your sense of esteem

· shrink those painful issues and anxieties that are so much of your present life

· create a more positive and hopeful vision of your life in the future

And remember- This Is All About You.

Stefan Kelly MBACP

May 2008.

Stefan Kelly is the co- founder of the Godalming Therapy Practice. His philosophy is simple: Every person has the resource to discover their own solution to achieving self autonomy and to become more open to a future of possibilities. Stefan's practice is based in Surrey and he has worked successfully with many clients experiencing a range of issues including low self esteem, depression, lack of control, anxiety, family and relationship issues.

http://www.godalmingtherapypractice.counselling.co.uk

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Develop Your Personal Power

By Anne M. Clarke

Power is not something you get from anyone else. Your ability to do things is determined by what you allow yourself to do. The things which are most likely to prevent you from doing what you want are first, fear, and second, preconceived ideas you have about your abilities.

FEAR

Fear is a paralysing influence. If you don't confront fear and deal with it head-on, it can seize you up completely so you never do anything that you haven't done before. Some people deliberately seek out things to do which involves confronting their fear. It is even possible to be a "fear junkie", hooked on the thrill of doing something fearful, and then revelling in the exhilaration of having conquered the fear.

It is somewhat similar to the way that long distance joggers get hooked on the endorphins their bodies produce at the point of pain and exhaustion. Ski jumping, hang gliding, abseiling and public speaking are other examples of situations where feeling the fear is a part of the thrill. The "fear junkies" have learnt that the only way to deal with their fear is to go out and do whatever it is, regardless of their fear.

By not letting their fear take over they are able to expand their universe. Fear is a perfectly ordinary emotion which all of us experience, and it often has a beneficial effect in keeping us safe. The downside is that, in our desire to be safe, we never venture into the unknown. In fact, this creates a sensation of helplessness and powerlessness which in the end is far more destructive than the fear.

NEGATIVE SELF-PERCEPTIONS

The other major impediment to personal power is what we have learned about ourselves and our own abilities, from earliest infancy to today.

As a child in primary school I had trouble doing sums. My teacher would put big crosses all over my pitiful efforts, then have me stand facing the rest of the class with my exercise book open under my chin so everyone could see her markings, and beat me on the legs with a ruler. The humiliation was worse than the pain. My kind mother spend a lot of time trying to help me understand, and under her gentle tutelage I made some progress, but what I basically learnt was that I wasn't able to handle numerical tasks.

Years later, when I came to study for a Master's degree in business administration, I again found myself incapable of understanding the number-crunching which was an integral part of the course. Graeme, my tutor, was almost beside himself because of my lack of what he considered to be basic knowledge. It took a lot of reprogramming myself to get to a point where I could develop enough competence to pass the exams.

Even today, when I'm confronted with a column of figures which need adding up, I experience the same feelings of blind panic and a sense of utter inability to handle the task that I felt as a little girl of seven.

TAKING CONTROL

The good thing about both fear and negative self-perceptions is that they are capable of being dealt with, leaving you a stronger and more effective person. Nobody needs to be overpowered by either.

It's a matter of mental attitude.

You have the power to take control of your life, to plan your own future and watch it come true. Your potential is truly awe-inspiring.

The first thing you have to do, however, is to accept responsibility for whatever happens to you. If you blame others, their incompetence, their laziness, their politicking, their vendetta against you, their stinginess -you are really saying that these things are outside your control and therefore you can't change them.

In fact, for some people there is an emotional payoff for blaming others for things that go wrong - it enables them to escape any responsibility and they can then enjoy the feeling of being hard-done-by and the sympathy they are able to get from others as a result of their complaining.

Once you accept that what happens to you, even disagreeable things which come through the actions of others, is within your control, you will have taken the first and most important step to having a positive influence on the views of those others towards you.

Your behaviour directly affects others' behaviour towards you, regardless of whether it is favourable to you or not. So you might as well make it favourable, by in a way that creates positive attitudes towards you.

It can help to play a game with yourself, and behave "as if' you already had the job, status, money, popularity or whatever it is that you crave. Thoughts are like magnets - positive thoughts attract positive results, and negative thoughts attract negative results. By permitting yourself only positive thoughts, and acting them out in your behaviour, you are actually increasing the likelihood of achieving your desires. Everyone wants to be "successful", but often without further defining the term "success".

At a superficial level, success is often taken to refer to all the trappings of wealth such as luxury cars and designer clothes. This is only a rather limited view of success based on the accumulation of wealth. But to many, success is more subtle and more personal. It could be a real success to bring up a fine family of healthy and employable children, to overcome serious injuries following a motor accident, or to help a migrant to become proficient in the English language.

Success is really something that you create for yourself. By working to overcome your fear and your negative self-perceptions you will open the path to the fulfillment of your dreams.

Anne Clarke offers a free ebook, "Managing People", which provides all sorts of strategies, advice and tips to help you get on better at work, reduce stress,deal with difficult people and become a better co-worker and leader. Download it free from find out more at http://www.squidoo.com/managing-people

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