Dare to Say No and Not Feel Guilty

By Luz Aguirrebena

Are you one of those people who have trouble saying no and when you actually dare to pronounce the word, feel guilty?

Do you feel resentful to yourself and others because not being able to say no stresses you out due to the fact that you are doing things you don't want to do?

Are you afraid that if you say no people will not love you any more?

Well, you are not alone. Many people have this problem. and it is interfering in their life in a negative manner. They don't have enough time for themselves. How are they going to focus in anything and succeed? The truth of the matter is that assertiveness has a lot to do with the ability to say no. Success also. Mark my words.

So, why is it that you can't say no?

The main reason is because you have data in your hard drive that says something like this: If I say no, people will not love me any more. My time is not so important as other people's time. I have to be available all the time. The guilt of saying no consumes me.

I have news for you. The same way your computer has useless data to be deleted, you can delete that message in you head. You only have to decide you don't want to go through the pain and consequences of saying yes all the time any more. It's a choice.

The idea is to replace the data with new data. One that says something like this: It's OK to say no. My time is as valuable as other people' time. I don't have to be available all the time. I deserve to be available to myself, and the things I really want to do. When I say no people love me and respect me. Because I am respecting myself. I don't have to feel guilty for choosing myself. I deserve it.

Actually, the problem with not being able to say no, is that you attract demanding people who want more, and are never satisfied. It never is going to be enough. It's a neverending story. You are not doing any favor to them nor to you. You are enabling them to perpetrate the pattern of depending on you, blocking their own resources.

Now, when you give yourself permission to change the pattern of behavior, you have to go one step at the time.

The first time you cross the barrier of fear of saying no, you will be scared to death, but you will stand still with your brand new conviction that you are as important as other people. Once you are on the other side of that barrier you will feel good because you chose yourself this time. If the other person tries to run a guilt trip on you, you have to stand firm, even though it is difficult. Then you'll feel even better. They might be upset in the beginning. You are changing on them, how dare you, they didn't expect it. You can't blame them. They will resist for a while, but if you remain firm in your action, in the long run they will have a sense of relief. And guess what, they will respect you.

If it doesn't work that way and you lose the relationship, you are losing them, not yourself. There is a big difference. You don't need that kind of relationship. You will start attracting people who love you for who you are, not for the things you do for them.

Keep doing it, the barrier of fear gets smaller every time. After a while, guess what, it will feel pretty good inside.

Luz

http://soulhangout.net is a soul activists resource. A personal development blog, using conversation and storytelling to help you align your thoughts. Come visit and bring your soul. We'll hang out. There is also a Soul Hang Out in Spanish http://soulhangout.net/spanish if you are interested.

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